Walls

Sometimes I feel like these walls, the walls of this house, are trapping my thoughts. So much is going on inside my head, but I can’t get coherent thoughts out. Not through talking or writing. It’s all just stuck up there like a jumbled mess. I need to get outside. I need the fresh air and lack of electrical devices demanding my attention. There is so much pressure to do things and think things. 

When I am outside the only thing I need to do is breathe. I stand there with the breeze sifting my thoughts. My heart is calm again. 

God’s creation has a way of doing that to me, pointing me back to Him. Who am I, that You are mindful of me? Psalm 8:4 echoes in my mind. God created all of this; the sun, moon, stars, and the lady bug sitting on the leaf next to my shoulder.

I need less stuff around me and more life.

What I wish you knew about me

I am a dreamer. It is who I am. I don’t want to not be a dreamer. 

It hurts when you try to make me stop dreaming. It hurts when you don’t make any attempt to understand my point of view. It hurts when you want me to change to be more like you. I am NOT you, and me trying to be like you will only serve to make me miserable. God did not create us alike, and I like to think that He gave me this dreaming personality for a reason. I may not do things (or even think about things) the same way you do, but that doesn’t mean I am wrong, it means we are different. It is very likely that “your way” and “my way” are both perfectly acceptable ways to deal with the same issue.

This is not to say that I shouldn’t strive to be better. But being better, improving, and growing doesn’t mean losing myself. 

Believe me, I know there are areas in my life that need working on. Trust me when I say I am VERY aware of my shortcomings and all of the ways I fail on a daily basis. I feel the weight of not being perfect, the weight of causing someone else pain or frustration. I feel it all.

What I need is grace. I need the gospel. I need to be reminded of God’s forgiveness, not how much I don’t measure up to God’s standards, I am already keenly aware that I fall incredibly short. I need to know that despite me, I am loved. That even if you don’t “get” me, that you will still be there for me.

Blessing Without Money

I was over at my sister-in-law’s house babysitting while she is at church practicing for something. We brought over some pancakes since I did not have time to eat breakfast before coming over here. Sitting down with my pancakes, I noticed a thank you note on the table. I admit, I peaked. It was from our pastor, he was thanking them for bringing them dinner after his wife fell. My first thought was “it’ll be nice when we have money to bless people like that.” Followed by, “why do we have to have money to be a blessing to those around us? What kinds of things can we do right now to be a blessing?”

Let us back up a bit so I can give some background about where we are right now. 18 months ago we moved in with my brother and his family. My husband had recently graduated from college and gotten a BA in Business, so the plan was to stay with my brother for a month or two until my husband found a job and we could move out. The funny thing about plans are that God often has something else in mind, something usually a bit more fruit producing, if you know what I mean. We were with my brother (there were 12 of us living in that house, by the way) for four months before we moved in with my father-in-law. Still hoping, praying, and thinking that we would be here a just a couple months before hubby would find a job and we would have our own place. He did get a job doing construction for a couple months last summer, then got a night job at a local resort. The pay was too low for us to move into our own place, so we figured that while he was working there we’d look for a better job then move out. Well, do I need to remind you that God’s plans for us are often different than our own? Last week my husband was laid off and the resort closed. So much for that idea. We weren’t making enough money to save anything the last few months so when I say we have no money I mean it. We are rationing our gas and only driving when we really need to, like to go to church. Those around us have really blessed us. Letting us stay rent free, buying us food, giving us clothes. It’s hard for sure, not having our own place, but really it’s so much more than we deserve so I can’t complain too much.

Anyway, back to my pondering. When we have nothing to give, we have no money to feed ourselves let alone buy food for someone else, how on earth can we be a blessing to those around us? Surely, we can pray for those around us so we aren’t so focused on our own menial problems. Is there anything else though? Email is free, so shooting someone an encouraging message works. How often do you get messages from people just letting you know you are being prayed for? It’s really nice. What about just listening? Staying after church a little longer to talk to someone and actually listen to them. What other things can be done that don’t involve money? I’m not sure, so I’ll be praying about it.